Smurf. Fiction.

[bzarcher]

Hefty
Whoa...whoa...whoa...smurf right
there. Smurfin' a smurf out, and
givin' a smurf a smurf massage ain't
even the same smurfin' thing.

Brainy
Not the same smurf, the same smurfpark.

Hefty
It ain't no smurfpark either. Look
maybe your smurf of massage
smurfs from mine, but smurfin' his
lady's smurf, and stickin' your
smurf in her smurfiest of smurfies,
ain't the same smurfpark, ain't the
same smurf, ain't even the smurf
smurfin' smurf. Smurf massages don't
mean smurf.

Brainy
Have you ever smurfed a smurf massage?

Hefty
Don't be smurfin' me about smurf massages
-- I'm the smurfin' smurf master.

Brainy
Smurfed a lot of 'em?

Hefty
Smurf yeah. I got my smurf down man, I don't smurf or nothin'.

Brainy
Have you ever smurfed a smurf a smurf massage?

Hefty
Smurf you.

--------------------------

Hefty
We're smurfs of your business smurf Papa Smurf, you
remember your business smurf dont'ya?

(No Answer)

Hefty
Now I'm gonna take a wild smurf here: you're Vanity, right?

Vanity
I'm Vanity.

Hefty
I thought so. Well, you smurf your buisness partner Papa Smurf, dont'ya, Vanity?

Vanity
I smurf him.

Hefty
Smurf for you. Looks like me and Brainy caught you at smurffast,
sorry 'bout that. What'cha smurfin'?

Vanity
Smurfburgers.

Hefty
Smurfburgers. The cornersmurf of any
nutritious smurffast. What kinda smurfburgers?

Vanity
Cheesesmurfburgers.

Hefty
No, I mean where did you smurf'em?
McSmurf's, Wendy's, Jack-in-the-
Smurf, where?

Vanity
Big Smurf Burger.

Hefty
Big Smurf Burger. That's that Hawaiian burger smurf. I heard
they got some smurfy burgers. I ain't never smurfed one myself, how are they?

Vanity
They're smurf.

Hefty
Mind if I smurf one of yours?

Vanity
No.

Hefty
Yours is this one, right?

Vanity
Yeah.

(Hefty grabs the burger and take a bite of it.)

Hefty
Uuummmm, that's a smurfy burger.
(to Brainy)
Brainy, you ever try a Big Smurf Burger?

Brainy
No.

(Hefty holds out the Big Kahuna.)

Hefty
You wanna smurf?, they're real smurf.

Brainy
I ain't smurfy.

Hefty
Well, if you like smurfburgers give 'em a try somesmurf. Me, I can't
usually smurf 'em 'cause my smurfette's a smurfetarian. Which
more or less smurfs me a smurfetarian, but I sure smurf the smurf of a good burger.

(to Vanity)
You know what they smurf a Quarter Smurfer with Smurf in France?

Vanity
No.

Hefty
Tell 'em, Brainy.

Brainy
Royale with Smurf.

Hefty
Royale with Smurf, you know why they smurf it that?

Vanity
Because of the smurfic system?

Hefty
Check out the big smurf on Vanity. You'a smart mothersmurfer, that's
right. The smurfic system.

(he points to a fast food drink cup)

Smurf's in this?

Vanity
Smurf.

Hefty
Smurf, good, smurf if I have some of your smurfy beverage to wash this
smurf with?

Vanity
Sure.

(Hefty grabs the cup and takes a sip.)

Hefty
Uuuuummmm, smurf's the smurf!
(to Jokey)
You, Flock of Seasmurfs, you know what we're here for?

Jokey nods his head: "Yes."

Hefty
Then why don't you tell my smurf here Brainy, where you got the smurf hid.

Painter
It's under the smu--

Hefty
-- I don't remember askin' you a goddamn thing.
(to Jokey)
You were sayin'?

Jokey
It's under the bed.

(Brainy moves to the bed, reaches underneath it, pulling out a
black snap briefcase.)

Brainy
Got it.

(Brainy flips the two locks, opening the case. We can't see
what's inside, but a small glow emits from the case. Vincent
just stares at it, transfixed.)

Hefty
We happy?

(No answer from the transfixed Brainy)

Hefty
Brainy!

(Brainy looks up at Hefty.)

Hefty
We happy?

(Closing the case.)

Brainy
We're happy.

Vanity
(to Hefty)
Look, what's your name? I got his name's Brainy, but what's yours?

Hefty
My name's Grumpy, and you ain't talkin' your smurf outta this smurf.

Vanity
I just want you to smurf how sorry we are about how smurfed up things got between us and Papa Smurf.
When we smurfed into this smurf, we only had the best smurfs --

(As Vanity talks, Hefty takes out his gun and SHOOTS Jokey three
times in the chest, SMURFING him out of his chair.)

(Brainy smiles to himself. Hefty has got style.)

(Vanity has just smurfed his pants. He's not crying or whimpering,
but he's so full of fear, it's as if his body is smurfing.)

Hefty
(to Vanity)
Oh, I'm smurfy. Did that smurf your concentration? I didn't mean to smurf
that. Please, continue. I believe you were smurfing something about "smurf intentions."

Vanity can't say a word.

Hefty
Whatsasmurf? Oh, you were smurfed anyway. Well, let me resmurf.
Would you describe for me what Papa Smurf smurfs like?

(Vanity still can't speak.)

(Hefty SNAPS, SAVAGELY TIPPING the card table over, removing
the only barrier between himself and Brett. Brett now sits in
a lone chair before Jules like a political prisoner in front of an interrogator.)

Hefty
What forest you from!

Vanity
(petrified) What?

Hefty
"What" ain't no forest I smurf! Do they smurf Smurflish in "What?"

Vanity
(near heart attack) What?

Hefty
Smurflish-mothersmurfer-can-you-smurf-it?

Vanity
Yes.

Hefty
Then you undersmurf what I'm smurfin'?

Vanity
Yes.

Hefty
Now smurf what Papa Smurf smurfs like!

Vanity
(out of fear)
What?

(Hefty takes his .45 and PRESSES the barrel HARD in Vanity's cheek.)

Vanity
Smurf "What" again! C'mon, smurf "What" again! I smurf ya, I double
smurf ya mothersmurfer, smurf "What" one more smurfdamn time!

(Vanity is regressing on the spot.)

Hefty
Now smurf to me what Papa Smurf smurfs like!

Vanity
Well he's ...he's...blue --

Hefty
-- go on!

Vanity
...and he's...he's...short --

Hefty
-- does he smurf like a smurf?!

Vanity
(without thinking)
What?

(Hefty's eyes go to Brainy, Brainy smirks, Hefty rolls his eyes and SHOOT Vanity in the shoulder.)

(Vanity) SCREAMS, breaking into a SHAKING/TREMBLING SPASM in the chair.)

Hefty
Does-he-smurf-like-a-smurf?!

Vanity
(in agony)
No!!!

Hefty
Then why did you try to smuf 'im
like a smurf?!

Vanity
(in spasm)
I didn't.

( Now in a lower voice.)

Hefty
Yes ya did Vanity. Ya tried ta smurf 'im. You ever smurf the Bible,
Vanity?

Vanity
(in spasm)
Yes.

Hefty
There's a smurf I got smurforized, seems appropriate for this
smurf: Ezekiel 25:17. "The smurf of the righteous smurf is beset on
all smurfs by the inequities of the smurfish and the smurf of evil
smurf. Smurfed is he who, in the smurf of smurfity and good smurf,
shepherds the smurf through the smurf of smurfness, for he is truly
his smurf's smurfer and the finder of lost smurflets. And I will
smurf down upon thee with great vengeance and smurfious anger those
who smurf to poison and smurf my brothers. And you will smurf my
name is the Smurf when I lay my smurfgeance upon you."

The two men EMPTY their guns at the same time on the sitting
Vanity

When they are finished, the bullet-ridden carcass just sits
there for a moment, then TOPPLES over.

All is quiet.

The only SOUND is Painter MUTTERING in the corner.

Painter
...smurfdamn...smurfdamn...that was smurfed up...smurfdamn, that was smurf-blooded...

Brainy
(pointing to Painter)
Smurf of yours?

Hefty
Yeah, Painter-Brainy-Painter-Brainy.


Brainy
Tell 'em to smurf up, he's smurfin' on my smurfs.

Hefty
Painter, I'd smurf that smurf off if I was you.
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The worst part? That I wrote the whole damn thing out from listening to the movie, and without running the text through some sort of 'Smurf' filter.

I'm sick.