bzarcher | (no subject) (Reply)

spartanfan updated his MUSHing log page tongight, which can be found here. After reading the newest updates to Odessa, and shivering despite myself, I needed some light relief.

I got it.

================================ Robot Master ================================
Message: 12/71 Posted Author
Presentation (1/5) Wed May 07 Bass
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< Bass Spinny >

Bass appears, standing in a conference room. A LCD screen is behind him which has a PowerPoint slide on it: `WHY YOU ARE DOOMED TO FAIL' is the title of the slide show. `by Bass, invincible destroyer of nations' is placed in smaller typeface beneath it.

Bass pulls a baton from hyperspace and uses it to point, stepping to the side of the screen. "Good morning. Today's presentation deals with why our esteemed creator's last two plans are doomed to fail. Let's begin, shall we?"

The first slide comes up, titled `Bad Concepts -> Bad Outcomes'. Bulleted points are below, which Bass goes through. "The Robot Masters are very competent in actually /stealing/ people. Despite increasing levels of security, we have been able to consistently get to Kalinka Cossack, as well as Twila Peterson. Breaking through defenses and stealing things, after all, is part of Robot Master core programming as per Wily Core Specification 23 through 30."

"Yet," Bass continues, "actually holding objectives is problematic. We have never successfully held hostages to gain ransom objectives. Every time we have taken a hostage, the hostage has been freed in a dramatic attack, typically involving Proto Man. These attacks have cost us large amounts of resources, especially involving the rebuilding of personnel and facilities. This is not an efficient use of resources."

The next slide appears, titled `Kidnapping Is Stupid'. "It has been reinforced, again and again, that the one consistent way to draw out the most elite forces aligned against us is to kidnap weak, defenseless people like women and children. This is also a way to create life-long enemies dedicated to the systematic destruction of the Robot Masters at any cost."

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================================ Robot Master ================================
Message: 12/72 Posted Author
Presentation (2/5) Wed May 07 Bass
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A slide featuring a stock photo of Pavel Cossack appears. "Remember this guy? I'm sure we all know about the Mad Russian by now. Our intelligence records indicate he had no particular opinion of us before we abducted his young daughter almost ten years ago. We chose to kidnap his daughter to blackmail him into giving us the ride armor technology he had developed during his time in the UN."

A montage of pictures follow, featuring first the aftermath of Blues' rescue of Kalinka, followed by several destroyed targets the Cossack has been personally responsible for over the years. "As we can see, this tactic was incredibly stupid. Not only did Proto Man rescue the child without breaking a sweat, but we earned the emnity of a psychotic with access to weapons of mass destruction. He has cost us tens of billions of zenny, assisted in ruining several of our attempts at world domination and has been crucial in preventing Robot Master victories worldwide."

Another slide appears, again titled `Kidnapping Is Stupid'. "How many times did we inflame him by abducting his child? Repeatedly, often several times a month. And what did this get us?"

A chart appears detailing month-by-month the Kalinka abductions that have happened from 2206 to the present, cross-referencing them with damage inflicted on the Robot Masters. The damage line spikes expontentially during kidnap events. "Pain. Suffering. Disaster. All caused by our insistence on picking on /one/ soft target. You guys kept at it to the point of destroying yourselves, until -- finally -- the Doctor called you off when the Russian started developing weapons that could very well destroy the entire solar system."

The next slide appears, titled `Kidnapping Is Still Stupid'. "So you guys finally learn that kidnapping Kalinka Cossack is stupid. Only took you a decade. Earlier in the week, we decided to try our luck with one Melissa Vorlaikal, the `daughter' of the Director of Interpol and the spawn of Dr. Xiang."

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================================ Robot Master ================================
Message: 12/73 Posted Author
Presentation (3/5) Wed May 07 Bass
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Xiang's symbol appears on the screen with a red question mark transposed over it. "Dr. Xiang, for those of you who have just come on-line after spending time in stasis lock, is the karmic replacement for Landon DeVry. He too uses biological weapons, but of the microbic variety rather than the shambling hell-beasts we've gotten accustomed to. We believe the White Rust was of his design, as well as many other biological horrors we've seen over the years that have `escaped' from the UN."

A picture of Abernathy appears next. "We all learned about Mr. Vorlaikal during the Nigh Incident. Now the director of Interpol, Abernathy is one of the most powerful men in the free world. He has a small army of cyborgs, Reploids and whatever abominations the UN keeps in its employ at his disposal, and already dislikes us passionately for our happy-go-lucky hijinks."

A picture of Melissa appears. "Melissa was created by Dr. Xiang for an unknown purpose. We assume she is some sort of biological weapon, but Vorlaikal is treating her as a daughter. The exact interplay between all three is still uncertain. There is much more here than we know at this time."

A montage of images showing the devestation caused by Proto Man follows. "The aftermath of this particular incident is still fresh in our minds, I would hope. Proto Man rescued Melissa by using a biological weapon acquired by Xiang to hold us hostage. King had to be e-ringed to disarm it, and Needle Man was destroyed early on in the battle. Further, it has become overwhelmingly apparent that our actions have angered Dr. Xiang. Xiang, who has already had a history of using weapons of mass destruction on civilian targets in Africa; Xiang, who is charmingly free of the Judeo-Christian ethical code the Russian has."

Another slide appears. All it says on it is `GOOD ONE.' Bass lets that sit on the screen for about ten seconds before moving on.

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================================ Robot Master ================================
Message: 12/74 Posted Author
Presentation (4/5) Wed May 07 Bass
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The next slide has a SD-version of Blues' head on it, with the words `Yet Another Blues Capture Mission' beneath it in cartoony font. Bass taps at the screen regularly with his baton as he speaks, hitting the SD Blues-head in the eye over and over. "Naturally, the Doctor wants retaliation for this latest self-inflicted injury. This is to be expected; we always behave in this way, so why should this be a surprise? We must punish Proto Man for doing exactly what he has done every time we have kidnapped Kalinka instead of using a tactic that does not prompt such a predictable response! Shame on him for exploiting our overpowering idiocy!"

Another slide appears, titled `Proto Man Is A Lost Cause'. "We have captured Proto Man on several occasions in recent memory. Each time, the Doctor has strapped him into the Chair and `reprogrammed' him. Each time, Proto Man has managed to break through the WilyCode and retaliate violently. This has happened over, and over, and over again. No matter what kind of measure Dr. Wily takes, Proto Man always breaks free in the end."

Bass slaps the baton into the palm of his hand. "Proto Man is one of the oldest androids in existence. He has more direct tactical experience than any Robot Master save the Alphas and Mega Man. He is clever, ruthless and has the power to teleport anywhere at any time. He also has demonstrated, repeatedly, he will do whatever it takes to achieve his objectives, even if that means using weapons of mass destruction. With his ability to go anywhere and do anything, he is one of the most dangerous robots on the planet."

"And you want me to bring him to you, Doctor. You want me to participate in repeating the same comedy of errors we've done in this organization countless times, probably to bring about catastrophe."

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================================ Robot Master ================================
Message: 12/75 Posted Author
Presentation (5/5) Wed May 07 Bass
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The next slide appears, titled `Alternate Tactics'. Bass pulls the baton out of his hand and returns to gesturing with it. "Let me outline *my* plan, Old Man."

The points zip onto the slide as Bass talks. "First, we stop with the kidnappings. They have never accomplished anything useful and only bring destruction and death to our door. If we *have* to kidnap someone, let's kidnap people who Proto Man won't care about, like Deirdre Garneau or Maria Romero. The UN will still want them back, but the Maverick Hunters won't care and Repliforce will be less quick to act."

"Second, we stop fooling ourselves and give up on Proto Man. Instead, we should be focusing our attention on Zero -- namely, finding him and figuring out what he's up to. He's been missing for months, which means he's up to something. More than likely that maniac is planning something big, and if we aren't ready for it, we're going to get screwed."

"Third, we start making plans to exploit the chaos in Egypt and push Repliforce /off/ our continent. Let them have the Arabian peninsula for now, but they've been sitting at the end of Africa like a zit ready to pop for too long."

The last slide appears. It's the Bass symbol: the flaming head. Once it appears, Bass pushes the baton closed. "I hope this has been educational. If you need me, I'll be developing my latest scheme to ruin Mega Man's life. Thank you."

Bass walks off the screen, and shortly thereafter the transmission ends.

< Bass Spinny >

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You're still the best, my friend. Now all of you go read all the Bass-y goodness, and the Greek Tragedy that is Pavel Cossack.