(no subject)

[bzarcher]

*sigh*

Steve ended up being caught by weather and couldn't make it, though the proposal did, as noted above. (Thank god for the phone.)

One of the other planned guests got sick, and her SO stayed to tend her.
The other planned guest apparently couldn't understand any of the directions he was given on how to get places, and gave up.

demeterschild is resting, because she was up so late, and it+Graduation really wore her down.

Have been offered some stuff to drink while she rests, but... *shrug* I hate drinking alone, especially when I'd planned to drink with friends.

I love hanging out with her, and I'm damn proud of her. She's a good friend, and she's achieved a lot.

So why do I just feel let down, disconnected, and disappointed right now?

I really wanted this to be a weekend of friends celebrating together. Not me standing vigil while one recovers, one pines for the fact that he couldn't be here, and others...just are others.

skarlette is at a party....I'm really hoping she's enjoying herself for both of us, so I can get out vicariously through her.

But... *shrug*

The people I most want to be with I cannot have.
The people I most want to share things with I cannot reach.
And because of my own foibles, and my sense of responsibility, I cannot let myself get the drink I've wanted for several days, and try to let the tension out of myself, because I might be needed to go get something, and because I don't think drinking the last of a bottle of scotch while the hostess is passed out is very nice.

I know what I NEED.
I need a couple stiff drinks.
I need to know I can just unwind myself.

I know what I WANT.
I want to have the people I want to spend time with closer, so that just visiting one or two friends at the drop of a hat would be possible instead of everything having to be pre-planned like this and often failing.
I WANT to be in Chicago, or perhaps bring what...or, fuck, let's be honest, I WANT to be able to magically bring skarlette here and just spend some time with her that doesn't require transmission of electrons or carrier signals off the phone. I want to share with her the things I'm seeing, and tasting, and doing, and hearing, without having to describe them.
I want to just curl up with her and rest, and forget all the crap.
I want to have a HUGE FUCKING PARTY with people, run by someone else, so I don't have to always be the responsible one who takes care of everyone else and ends up sobre, sadder, and alone while everyone else is having a great time, and I can just cut myself a bit loose.

But....I know what I have to do, and unfortunately, or fortunately, what I have to do is be a good friend, and be the responsible one, and be the one who offers to stay even when everyone else leaves, so that you don't have to be alone. Or offer to handle running things. Or offer to cook. Or offer to drive, or watch over you while you sleep so you can try to rest and feel better.

Because I am a good friend, and because I know the world cannot and will not bend to my will, I'm hip deep in taking care of others, and sacrificing for them...

And because my fate is particularly cruel, the only thing I really, desperately, truly want in the world is the one thing that I cannot have right now, and probably will not have for 2, maybe 3 years at most, save for occasional tastes of what might be in time.

I know I'm rambling.

I'm pouring out stuff I've had trapped in me for awhile, I guess...

I don't know.

Part of me is wide awake, and part of me is painfully tired. But I can't let myself sleep yet...nor do I think I should.

Of late I've been sleeping remarkably well, and I think tucking m'lady in every night has been part of that.

Tonight...

Tonight, unless things improve markedly, which I honestly doubt, I'm not looking forward to what I'm gonna find when I close my eyes.

The funny part is that I'm still a damn good actor. I've been happy, and cheery, and kind, and joking, and upbeat all day. With maybe one exception, I don't think anyone I've talked to today, virtually or otherwise, would be able to accurately discern my current state. Well, maybe two.

And I will attempt to keep being so, because I have to. Because I can't let it slip except in things like this. Because you all seem to need me to be.

I was gonna just lock this entry to private, originally....I think I may just leave it out. I'm kinda drained on reasons to keep my skeletons to myself.

I know I sound like I'm really depressed, or hurting. I'm not, really. The past 6 months have been some of the happiest of my life.

I just...I don't know. Tonight, I think it just got to be a little too much on my shoulders, and I had to let some off.

I love all of you. I know I don't always seem to, but please believe it.

Because as much as things have sucked a bit tonight, and as much shit as I've poured out, I would take it on again, and again, and again.

Even if my words are harsh, and my voice is sharp, please, please, look at my actions.

Please believe that I will do everything I can to keep any one of you from getting hurt when I can.


Stronger people have an obligation to help those who do not share their strength.
Those who have should always try to give some to those who have not.

I am one of the strongest people I know, and I have enough.

It hurts right now, but I will keep trying to give of myself as best as I can.