(no subject)

[bzarcher]

*sighs*

Yeah. So apparently I either forget too much of what some people consider important, or don't say enough.

I apparently spend too much time focusing on what is around me, and not "letting my brain relax."

I don't do anything right, anyhow. Why is today any different?

Apparently I can't MUSH worth a damn. I can't remember stuff for character backgrounds that I didn't create and I shoulda read game manuals better for worth a damn. I can't do anything that my friends feel is important.

When I was 4, my best friend was diagnosed ADD. My parents were worried about me, too. But they didn't want to put me on drugs. I got sick enough when I was little. So my dad started a "game."

I was locked into my room. I had to memorize the room -exactly-, down to the bookshelves. I had 45 minutes. If I could not recite what was in the room and locations correctly, I was sent back in. If I did not make it by the third try, I was grounded for the rest of the night.

Did that every night until 5th grade. Ever since then...I -can't stop- trying to memorize who and what is around me. Constantly. I have a near photographic memory, and this only feeds it. Telling me to stop thinking so much about what is around me...I can't. I've tried. My damn brain is hardwired to this. Even when it gives me migranes so bad I can feel the skin at my temple twitching. I can't stop it. Even when I used to take 16 advil a day. Even when, like Friday, I have 2 longhorn iced teas and 3 irish coffees inside me. Even when I'm 36 hours sleep deprived. I can't stop.

And now...I don't know. I'm unable to do what my friends enjoy well. I'm unable to do what I enjoy well. Work is the only constant I can routinely succeed in.

Oh. I guess I should be happy about this:
Chinese:A-
21st century warfare:B+
Canterbury Tales:B
Tutorial:A
Russian History:A-
Archery:A
Chorus:A

Deans list again. I guess if I confine myself to writing papers or shoving my hands into computer cases I do fine.

But I'd fucking kill to have some of my MUSHing friends smile at me and tell me we had a good RP scene instead of having to go back and fix all my mistakes.

And some asshole was throwing a football against the wall of my room that adjoins the lounge. It would seem that my coming out looking rather pissed and holding the driftwood staff that's almost as tall as me and with the kinda wicked looking natural hook on it makes people pay attention.

Can't stop writing. I'm cutting myself open for the wondrous masses of the internet, and no matter how much it hurts, or how much I want to stop, I can't. I just keep writing. No matter how much I want to stop. It's like OCD. I can't stop chronicling how I fail others and myself.

It's so nice to know myself so well.

Be even better if I could look at nights like this and actually like who that was.

Comments

[sehkmet.livejournal.com]

My dearest friend,

You MUSH very well, better than many of the people I've ever had to rub elbows with. You have a real life, unlike some folks who can spend hours upon hours poring over their character backgrounds and expect you to know EVERY nuance of their creation, even if you've never read the app.

Burnout? I think I've been burnt out for a long time, ever since I got completely, utterly burned elseMU* adminning, but I still go on, and I still have fun. Are you having fun? It's when you stop having fun that you need to wonder if you should keep doing it.

fux0r the idiots that tell you 'you can't RP'. I've *SEEN* you RP. I *KNOW* what you're capable of. There's a reason that when waaaaaaaaay back when Tempest was looking for fresh meat staffers, he and I agreed that you were definitely on the metaphorical 'list'. Hell, I remember the coach system coming to life, and how you were discussed to be the Masters coach because you are a good solid IC and OOC person.

That's not changed. Anyone telling you otherwise is wrong, friend or not. You don't give yourself enough time to unwind -- you deserve it. You're there for everyone all the time, dear. You need to be there for yourself sometime, and let others be there for you -- like I'm offering.

I can't and won't tell you to stop thinking so hard. I'm the same way, and can't stop myself either. I lay awake at night, brain in high gear and running faster than I can keep up with it. But what I can tell you is to keep writing, even if you do it privately -- let it out. You need to let it out before it consumes you.

And you should be very, very proud of your marks. I'd kill for marks like that, myself (says the C+ student). You know where I am, who I am. If you ever need to call, I'll give you my number.

--S.

[ardaniel]

Congrats on the grades. :)

And people who have time to get anal over random character quibbles and memorize the manuals SUCK to RP with. Ignore them.

Purpose

[jwhorfin.livejournal.com]

To address the audience, I can tell you with some confidence that the man I write about is neither a poor roleplayer or a poor MUSHer. In fact, the gentleman in question is one of the best roleplayers and MUSHers I have had the pleasure of knowing. I don't give out praise lightly -- having seen the worst, I know what the best looks like. And BZA is one of the best there is.

Now back to not breaking the fourth wall. Your performance on M3 has been stellar. You have held true to the rudder when I would have flown off the handle and gotten out the beating stick. You have incredible patience, a seemingly endless well of tolerance for the more ridiculous and irritating things in MUSHdom. I've met you, BZA, and I know you're just as good of a person in real life as you are online. Very few people I know of can say the same.

You're like a brother to me. I have your back no matter what you want to do, and if you need something, I'll get it for you. If you want smiles, you say the word -- I will bleach my teeth, drive down to Wooster right now, knock on your door, and sit there like DDP in front of you for an hour. Good RP scenes? My log page is filled with incidents in which you and I have RPed in a highly entertaining and enjoyable manner -- and we need to do that more often, you know, now that we both have gotten done with our heavy work periods and have some time on our hands to speak of.

Keep it real, BZA. You have friends out here who care about you. Eff the lames and haters. We know better than to listen to their babble.

-- The Mad Russian, The Elite Bodyguard, John Whorfin of Yoyodyne Industries.

[avylin.livejournal.com]

Well, uh... folks have already beat me to a lot of what I was going to say. For fear of being redundant, I'll... hug, instead! *hugs*

And hey. You know what they say about proof and pudding. If you were really as bad as They seem to think you are, you wouldn't be staff. Furthermore, I've yet to hear someone criticizing your RP or anything to that effect- yet I see plenty of folks agreeing that you do a good job. The ayes have it! Or should, at least.

And be proud of your grades. It speaks well of you that you have the will to score like that. College work is rotten, after all.

Um... *more hugs* So there.

Who do you serve, and who do you trust?

[bzarcher.livejournal.com]

I appreciate stuff, guys.

I guess it's just....if it was some n00b 1337 d00d...things would not be bothering me. But this came from people who in one case helped get me into MUSHing in the first place, and in others were from people I trust as much as ya'll. So it's hard trying to reconcile the two sides of things.

Re: Who do you serve, and who do you trust?

[jwhorfin.livejournal.com]

Say it with me: eff 'em. Those jackasses don't know what they're talking about. And I should know -- I'm the Master's student in communications here. Those people aren't your real friends. We are.

You keep it real, man. I'm here for you if you need me.

Re: Who do you serve, and who do you trust?

[ixx.livejournal.com]

I think Mwen's complaint was limited to scenes over the last couple of nights, not your performance as Meight. But correct me if I'm wrong. I also never said you suck at MUSHing, I said your performance in those scenes was *atypically* poor. I don't know what else to say ... you weren't really hitting on many of the details of the setting, but I think that might be because you've never played it before. I don't mind correcting you via page or IM (rather than disrupting the scene as some canon-prudes have done on other MUSHes I've played on) so you can get it right in the future.

The thing that really got to me was that you didn't seem to be responding to what we were doing about 40% of the time. Hard to explain the phenomena of 'either this guy isn't reading what we're posing, or he's not grokking it.' It may also be an issue of you not really meshing with the character.

I don't know what's at fault, but 'You've been sloppy with this scene and it's not like you' and 'You suck at MUSHing' are two very different statements. But, now that I've identified myself as an ego-crushing meanie from some no'count backwater MUSH, I guess I'll wrap this up.

Re: Who do you serve, and who do you trust?

[bzarcher.livejournal.com]

*shrugs* There is also the problem that I've heard this at several places. Maybe I'm just taking too much stuff too seriously/hard on myself.

Or maybe I just need to shut up, since I'm apparently not doing anyone any good, least of all myself.

I'm sorry. To everyone. I'll stop.

And you're not an 'ego-crushing meanie from some no'count backwater MUSH'. You're a friend and someone I trust enough to listen to and seriously consider if I've been doing the right thing if I was messing things up too much in your mind. Don't you ever start knocking yourself down because I'm a fuckup 90% of the time, and if I'm apparently taking everything wrong today/yesterday. I'll drive to pittsburgh and kick your ass if you do that.