(no subject)
May. 18th, 2004 09:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bzarcherWell, today was half meetings, half servers crashing. But I made it through the day and got taken out to lunch by APT (for a lunch meeting, natch), so I suppose I won on the overall score.
I need to get the new apartment soon, however. I'm starting to have serious feelings of uncomfortable about being in this house again. It's like trying to walk around on shoes that you wore all the time when you were in Middle School, but now you're an adult and your feet are about 3 sizes larger. And I'm noticing that somehow, some way, Lisa was right. I have turned into an Organized Person.
This terrifies me, you know.
But it's true. I tend to be the type who, when I have piles of things, at least has those piles for a reason and with specific things in them. I tend to keep things in certain ways. And worse, the fact that my parents could not make an even semi-organized pile if their lives depended upon it is woefully clear with each look I take at the house.
Even the KITCHEN is so cluttered, crowded, and in general jammed that when I was asked to make dinner tonight, it was nearly impossible until I spent a half hour moving things so that I had enough room to bread and bake some chicken, and to boil some asparagus. And then I had to spend another half hour cleaning off the table so that they'd have somewhere to sit and eat it. That's not just stupid, it's a sanitation risk!
No matter how messy I have been, even when my leg was immobilized and I was on crutches, I NEVER let a mess fester in the kitchen or around cooking surfaces. At most, you let pots and pans soak until you clean them. That's it. You don't leave the pans, dishes, muffin trays, and other cooking items just sitting on countertops with detritus still attached!
It's a constant reminder to myself that unless I am in my room with the door shut, I have to keep a close eye on what I say and how I say it, because in many cases, I have no idea how to talk to these people about what bothers me without making the situation worse. I don't even know if I can speak my mind on what I see in the news, when we watch it, because as far as I can tell, I ended up a Centrist Democrat, and my parents are rather right of centre on a lot of issues. So I've been doing a lot of shutting up and being quiet. Never fun.
I don't feel at home here. It's a pressure constantly on my neck. I can feel stress building up in my back and joints. Worse, to get to work in the morning, I not only have to get up at an ungodly hour, but I have to rush to be in the shower and breakfast. Even when the traffic is good, it's still a 30 minute drive, and even though I've not been late to work yet, I keep being afraid that if I miss something or break the morning schedule that I've been worked into by my parents and sister, I'll end up being snarled in traffic and hopelessly late to work. Probably without vital things like a shower and shave.
Still worse, I feel like I can hardly spend time with my friends during the week because if I want anything like a good night's rest, I need to be in bed by 10 at the latest.
Lisa doesn't even get home on the weekends until 9:30 my time. At the earliest.
In order to have the career I want, I've been forced into a high pressure situation 24-7, and increasingly denied my safety valves. I don't think this will end well unless I get out. If I had any of the places I've found fairly acceptible and affordable (assuming I like them when I see them in person), I'd be at most 15 minutes from work, on my own, and able to work out a schedule where I'm under far less stress. I'd be able to socialize more and probably have a greater control over my own day to day affairs.
And the kitchen, god damn it, would be clean.
I am praying for the weekend. Not because I will be out of work, but because it is the first step to being out of here.
I need to get the new apartment soon, however. I'm starting to have serious feelings of uncomfortable about being in this house again. It's like trying to walk around on shoes that you wore all the time when you were in Middle School, but now you're an adult and your feet are about 3 sizes larger. And I'm noticing that somehow, some way, Lisa was right. I have turned into an Organized Person.
This terrifies me, you know.
But it's true. I tend to be the type who, when I have piles of things, at least has those piles for a reason and with specific things in them. I tend to keep things in certain ways. And worse, the fact that my parents could not make an even semi-organized pile if their lives depended upon it is woefully clear with each look I take at the house.
Even the KITCHEN is so cluttered, crowded, and in general jammed that when I was asked to make dinner tonight, it was nearly impossible until I spent a half hour moving things so that I had enough room to bread and bake some chicken, and to boil some asparagus. And then I had to spend another half hour cleaning off the table so that they'd have somewhere to sit and eat it. That's not just stupid, it's a sanitation risk!
No matter how messy I have been, even when my leg was immobilized and I was on crutches, I NEVER let a mess fester in the kitchen or around cooking surfaces. At most, you let pots and pans soak until you clean them. That's it. You don't leave the pans, dishes, muffin trays, and other cooking items just sitting on countertops with detritus still attached!
It's a constant reminder to myself that unless I am in my room with the door shut, I have to keep a close eye on what I say and how I say it, because in many cases, I have no idea how to talk to these people about what bothers me without making the situation worse. I don't even know if I can speak my mind on what I see in the news, when we watch it, because as far as I can tell, I ended up a Centrist Democrat, and my parents are rather right of centre on a lot of issues. So I've been doing a lot of shutting up and being quiet. Never fun.
I don't feel at home here. It's a pressure constantly on my neck. I can feel stress building up in my back and joints. Worse, to get to work in the morning, I not only have to get up at an ungodly hour, but I have to rush to be in the shower and breakfast. Even when the traffic is good, it's still a 30 minute drive, and even though I've not been late to work yet, I keep being afraid that if I miss something or break the morning schedule that I've been worked into by my parents and sister, I'll end up being snarled in traffic and hopelessly late to work. Probably without vital things like a shower and shave.
Still worse, I feel like I can hardly spend time with my friends during the week because if I want anything like a good night's rest, I need to be in bed by 10 at the latest.
Lisa doesn't even get home on the weekends until 9:30 my time. At the earliest.
In order to have the career I want, I've been forced into a high pressure situation 24-7, and increasingly denied my safety valves. I don't think this will end well unless I get out. If I had any of the places I've found fairly acceptible and affordable (assuming I like them when I see them in person), I'd be at most 15 minutes from work, on my own, and able to work out a schedule where I'm under far less stress. I'd be able to socialize more and probably have a greater control over my own day to day affairs.
And the kitchen, god damn it, would be clean.
I am praying for the weekend. Not because I will be out of work, but because it is the first step to being out of here.
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no subject
Date: 2004-05-18 06:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-18 07:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-18 07:07 pm (UTC)Ah well.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-18 07:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-18 08:30 pm (UTC)But I finished the dishes except for a couple that need to soak for a while.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-19 04:50 am (UTC)But yay dishes!