bzarcher | Concerning a path of thorns

Work is -dead-. This means I have some time to write out thoughts.

I've been kinda thinking a lot about pain recently.

I've never been all that worried about having pain inflicted on me. When you've been through some of the stuff I have, my tolerance for it is pretty high.

However, I've been getting more and more fascinated with certain kinds of pain. Pain so sharp or subtle that it's also pleasure. Getting both in the same instant...experiencing that is a fairly fascinating concept that part of me dearly wants to learn more about.

At one point, I think this would have scared me. It doesn't. I've kinda alluded to this before, too. I'm just getting more warmed to the idea.

What is also new is I'm starting to consider the idea of what it might be like to do this for someone else, too. I've never exactly been comfortable with the idea that I can, easily, hurt someone. But...controlling that, and using it, and channeling it into something enjoyable for both of us?

I've occasionally called m'lady a sweet little sadist because of her often endearing and amusing love of putting our RP characters into tough spots, and adding more fun to the plot. (And yes, there are other reasons, too. But consider this the only discussion of them you're getting. :D)

The other night she told me that I'd be one too, before she was done.

I felt my whole body thrill.

It's not about hurting someone while I please them.
It's not even about unlocking wider paths of intimacy.
For once, it's not even about pleasing my lover in as many ways as I feel I can.
I think the greatest, most seductive attraction to it is taking one of my deepest, most ingrained fears, and not just conquering it, but turning it to a strength.

Probably not normal. But it is who I am, I'm realizing.