(no subject)

[bzarcher]

So, yeah.

It's Christmas eve.
Guess how my Dad celebrated his day off?

Dad came up to me and told me that my screensaver was 'really unacceptable' right now.' (I have my computer set to randomly cycle through my 'my pictures' directory.)

Told me the webcomics I had in there that he'd seen were too offensive for my Grandmother and Aunt.
That my mom would not approve of some of the Masamune Shirow artwork I have. (Excuse me. To be exact I should say 'weird japanese art things'.)

Best one of all tho. That 'while the picture that Lisa sent you is fine for a girlfriend to her boyfriend, and especially for your wierd little hobbies', that it wasn't really approrpiate at all for Christmas. Especially since my grandmother would be here, and she had been 'a bit shocked' by Lisa's outfit when she asked to see the picture.

I went upstairs.

I slammed my door.

My father followed and started telling me, in a perfectly reasonable tone, that he wasn't trying to hurt me, he was just trying to make a 'good christmas' for everyone.

'A good christmas.'

He told me not to get upset. That Grandma had never approved of Mom, either. That he just wanted to make this a happy year for everyone.

'A Happy Year.'

He told me not to worry about it. That Grandma was very conservative, and over 70 years old, and didn't understand 'that stuff you like to do', and that she'd probably not be around that much longer anyhow, so why don't we just keep her happy.

Keep her happy. Keep dad happy. Keep mom happy. Keep Aunt Marilyn happy. Keep everyone happy.

'Because nobody should have to be unhappy on Christmas, right?'

After he left, I cried.

I heard my mom ask him why I'd slammed the door.

'Oh, we just had a talk about the "Lisa Situation".' I could hear the quotes in his voice.
-"Oh?"
"Yeah, let's go get weighed for the diet before they close."

She didn't even ask if I was okay. They just....left.

I suppose she couldn't hear me crying.

My sister did.

She asked if I was okay.

I'm not.

I went from crying to shouting and screaming.

She looked at me after I was done explaining it all...especially when I started venting about how tired I was about hiding my life from my parents and my grandparents to 'keep everyone happy.'

"You should leave. You shouldn't have to go through this."

She's right.

I confessed about coming home mostly to try to give her a good christmas. About how terrible I felt about the year she'd had, and that I wanted to make it better.

She hugged me and told me she already knew. That she could tell. And that everything I'd done meant a lot to her, and it was a good christmas for her just because I tried so hard.

A good christmas.

I've tried to reach people over the phone to talk to them... I accidentally reached bredmold while trying to find ijikeru.

Aaron...I'm sorry I didn't talk to you. I just....I need to talk with people who know my parents, too.

But...

I at least gave Alison a good christmas.

So why can't I stop crying?

Heh.

Guess what just came on the radio?
I tried so hard, and fought so long...in the end, it doesn't even matter....

Comments

Well...

[spacemangroove.livejournal.com]

Remidns me of my folks...

Yeah, it's not a good thing, perhaps it really is time to go. Get out of the house and onto the road. get a place to hole up for a bit, grab some alcohol and begin the angsting process.

Just remember, if you need anything, your friends are here, and feel free to contact me if you need anything.
Spacemangroove@Yahoo.com

:) It'll get better once you get everything sorted out. Trust me, I've already been through it.

[ardaniel]

I'm getting a lot of "you and your father should suck it up so I can have your sister in the house" from my mother.

She apparently fails to understand that I find my sister emotionally and verbally abusive and unpleasant; my *father's* reason for throwing her out of the house sucks ass and he's a bigoted fool for considering it valid, never mind holding to it for ten years, but... it does keep her away from me.

But, nope, my mom sits around and mopes about how she wants one day, and it wouldn't kill me to be civil...

...which it wouldn't. Staving off blind panic and having to watch every damn thing I said for that day just might, though.

Know, in a vague way, where you're coming from.

[obliviousally.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I think that's ignorant. Why can't people be more fucking acceptable? Espically family members. Like you have to be perfect for everyone. And everyone needs to be forcefully happy for things to be good. Argh. >_< "'Lisa Situation'"? That's so...argh! >_< Christ, why can't they just be happy because you're happy. Doesn't mean they have to accept everything you do. But it's who you are. And they can't change that, and they should realize that and be a little more open-minded.

But that's just my opinion, and I don't know much about your family, so I shall end my rant here. ^_^;;;;;;;

[tigerfox.livejournal.com]

You're a good soul, BZA.

And your sister is an angel for seeing what you've done for her and is happy because of it.

Don't let those that are unhappy drag you down, no matter what words they say. Unless they mean them, the words are simply shells.

We're all here for you.

...

[jetfire99.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what I can say but I honestly don't think your father had the right to say what he did to you. But I do think your lucky that your Sister really seems to care about how you are doing. Anyhow sometimes you need to get the pain out of your system or it will lay there for years festering and doing more damange. If your dad can't accpet you for who you are. Its his problem. I wonder if anything I said made sense. x.x

[ryon.livejournal.com]

If you need to step out for a drink to get away from the fam I'm around. ^_^

[bzarcher.livejournal.com]

I may just. We'll see how things go tomorrow.

And thanks.

A Good Man

[duskpaw.livejournal.com]

Matt,

You can't stop crying because you care. If you weren't crying, you wouldn't be the excellent man that you really are. I admit I have no idea how it feels to have your father act like that - but I can empathize, and admire you for bearing up as well as you have.

If I had to deal with someone like your father, I would not have gone home - it takes incredible strength to do what you have, and to bear up so well.

Listen to that song all the way through - I seem to recall it implies that even in failure, the effort wasn't wasted, that the good moments that are remembered will outweigh the bad. Keep that in mind - because as time passes, the simple joy you gave your sister will matter far more than your father's intolerance and idiocy.

Hang in there, Matt.

-Sean

Re: A Good Man

[bzarcher.livejournal.com]

THanks, Sean. That means a lot.