(no subject)

[bzarcher]

So, yeah.

It's Christmas eve.
Guess how my Dad celebrated his day off?

Dad came up to me and told me that my screensaver was 'really unacceptable' right now.' (I have my computer set to randomly cycle through my 'my pictures' directory.)

Told me the webcomics I had in there that he'd seen were too offensive for my Grandmother and Aunt.
That my mom would not approve of some of the Masamune Shirow artwork I have. (Excuse me. To be exact I should say 'weird japanese art things'.)

Best one of all tho. That 'while the picture that Lisa sent you is fine for a girlfriend to her boyfriend, and especially for your wierd little hobbies', that it wasn't really approrpiate at all for Christmas. Especially since my grandmother would be here, and she had been 'a bit shocked' by Lisa's outfit when she asked to see the picture.

I went upstairs.

I slammed my door.

My father followed and started telling me, in a perfectly reasonable tone, that he wasn't trying to hurt me, he was just trying to make a 'good christmas' for everyone.

'A good christmas.'

He told me not to get upset. That Grandma had never approved of Mom, either. That he just wanted to make this a happy year for everyone.

'A Happy Year.'

He told me not to worry about it. That Grandma was very conservative, and over 70 years old, and didn't understand 'that stuff you like to do', and that she'd probably not be around that much longer anyhow, so why don't we just keep her happy.

Keep her happy. Keep dad happy. Keep mom happy. Keep Aunt Marilyn happy. Keep everyone happy.

'Because nobody should have to be unhappy on Christmas, right?'

After he left, I cried.

I heard my mom ask him why I'd slammed the door.

'Oh, we just had a talk about the "Lisa Situation".' I could hear the quotes in his voice.
-"Oh?"
"Yeah, let's go get weighed for the diet before they close."

She didn't even ask if I was okay. They just....left.

I suppose she couldn't hear me crying.

My sister did.

She asked if I was okay.

I'm not.

I went from crying to shouting and screaming.

She looked at me after I was done explaining it all...especially when I started venting about how tired I was about hiding my life from my parents and my grandparents to 'keep everyone happy.'

"You should leave. You shouldn't have to go through this."

She's right.

I confessed about coming home mostly to try to give her a good christmas. About how terrible I felt about the year she'd had, and that I wanted to make it better.

She hugged me and told me she already knew. That she could tell. And that everything I'd done meant a lot to her, and it was a good christmas for her just because I tried so hard.

A good christmas.

I've tried to reach people over the phone to talk to them... I accidentally reached bredmold while trying to find ijikeru.

Aaron...I'm sorry I didn't talk to you. I just....I need to talk with people who know my parents, too.

But...

I at least gave Alison a good christmas.

So why can't I stop crying?

Heh.

Guess what just came on the radio?
I tried so hard, and fought so long...in the end, it doesn't even matter....