bzarcher | (no subject)

...

"It's out of your hands and nothing you can do."

SO WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING TO ME EXPECTING ME TO FIX IT?

I am sick and tired of fixing your relationships, your self image, and your life! Especially when it's bad enough when you try to console me with, "Oh, you'll see her in person soon," and then go into more talking about EXACTLY what I can't have right now.

Isn't it enough that I'm frustrated by distance, and jealous of the fact that you and quite a few of my friends can live /with/ or at least /near/ the person they love? Do you really NEED to rub it in? Is it /that/ satisfying? And then when things aren't working, of course all of you seem to need me. Can't you all fix your own problems? You love these people? Great. STOP WHINING AND START TALKING TO THEM. THAT'S WHAT ADULTS DO.

Has it occured to any of you that I have enough on my plate? That maybe, just maybe, I'd like to focus on my own stuff for a bit, maybe do this whole exams and graduation thing?

And yes. You're right.

skarlette will be here in a bit more than a week. And maybe I'm excited and nervous enough about it that I don't really need you people putting even more of your shit on my shoulders? That maybe I want to just be myself for her, and make this good and special for both of us?

ESPECIALLY you. No offense, dear, but I've been carrying your ass on my fucking shoulders for 3 years. Ever since I helped pull you off the bloodstained carpet and basically turned into your therapist and support group all in one. You need help? You come to me. You need reassurance? You come to me. You need someone to let your stress out? You come to me. You need someone to talk with? You come to me. You need anything? You come to me.

I realize you don't have that many people you can talk to right now, but /maybe/ you could try one of them for awhile? I'm getting a little burnt.

And I know I'm going on 3 hours of sleep. I know I'm probably gonna regret it later. But you know what? Fuck it. Writing this feels /good/.